It's a common scenario: a team member expresses frustration to their manager about a company policy, a client issue, or an internal process. The manager, wanting to build rapport, nods along and perhaps adds a complaint of their own. The intention is often to connect, but this act of commiseration is a counterproductive habit for leaders. It trades a moment of superficial agreement for a long-term negative impact on team culture and effectiveness.
The Misleading Feeling of Connection
Leaders fall into this pattern because commiserating is an easy way to establish common ground. Joining a grievance session signals, "I'm on your side." However, this creates a fragile bond based on shared negativity rather than on a mutual commitment to overcoming challenges. Effective leadership is defined by the ability to guide a team through difficulties. Participating in complaints shifts the leader's role from a guide to just another member of a dissatisfied group.
The Impact on Team Agency and Morale
Commiseration doesn't resolve issues; it validates inaction. When a leader joins in, it signals that complaining is an acceptable final response. This can foster a culture of helplessness, where the team's focus remains on the problem rather than on potential solutions. If the leader is also complaining, it begs the question of who is responsible for driving change. The implicit message is that the situation is unchangeable, which undermines team initiative and promotes cynicism.
Undermining Leadership Credibility
Perhaps the most significant consequence is the erosion of trust and authority. When a leader complains about "the company" or "upper management," they position themselves as a fellow victim rather than an agent of change. This behaviour undermines a leader's credibility. A team looks to its leader to represent its interests and navigate organisational challenges. Commiserating signals an inability to do so, which can make a team feel unsupported and insecure. Trust is built on a leader's perceived effectiveness, not on shared grievances.
A More Effective Approach: Acknowledgement and Action
The alternative to commiseration is a structured approach that combines compassion with a focus on solutions.
Listen Actively: Allow the employee to express their frustration completely. The need to be heard is a valid starting point.
Acknowledge the Emotion, Not the Complaint: Validate the feeling behind the issue. Phrases like, "I can see why that's frustrating," or "That does sound like a difficult situation," show empathy without endorsing a cycle of negativity.
Pivot to Problem-Solving: After acknowledging the emotion, shift the conversation toward solutions. Ask questions that encourage agency: "What would an ideal outcome look like here?" or "What parts of this situation are within our control?"
Define Next Steps: A leader is responsible for action. Conclude the conversation by outlining a concrete plan. This could be, "Thank you for raising this. I will bring these points to the next leadership meeting," or "Let's collaborate on a proposal to address this."
This method transforms a complaint into a constructive conversation. It shows that the employee's concerns are being taken seriously and channelled toward a productive outcome. A leader's function is to absorb pressure and guide the team forward, not to amplify frustration. The choice is between joining the chorus of complaints or leading the effort to find a solution.